Sunny, Snake, and Otacon
by Psychodelic Factory
Summary: The story of what would happen after MGS4. *Spoilers* Note that this is a parody, and, odds are, will offend fans.
1. Chapter 1

"G-g-g-g-g-grandpa Snake, what's a hooker?" Sunny asked.

"Where did you hear that word?" Snake asked.

"The i-i-i-i-internet." Sunny said.

"Hmph." Snake growled. "I don't think Uncle Hal would appreciate you knowing what a hooker was."

"Hooker! Hooker! Hooker!" Sunny chanted.

"Shut up!" Snake shouted. He'd been a little irritable since he quit smoking.

"Snake, what are you doing?" Otacon asked, running over to the two.

"Sunny wants to know what a hooker is." Snake said.

"Tell her." Otacon said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Are you serious?" Snake asked.

"Yeah." Otacon said.

"Okay." Snake sighed. "A hooker is a woman who has sex for money. Some hookers I know are Naomi Hunter and Emma Emmerich."

"Fuck you Snake!" Otacon yelled, crying and running away.

"What a bitch." Snake laughed.

"What's a b-b-b-b-b-b-bitch?" Sunny asked.

"Uncle Hal." Snake decided.


	2. Chapter 2

"No." Snake said for the fiftieth time. His experience in war gave him no help dealing with Sunny's constant barrage of that single question...

"Can we g-g-g-get a p-p-p-puppy?" Sunny asked again.

Snake was about to say no, but decided to bring Otacon into the argument. "Otacon! Sunny wants a puppy!"

"A puppy?" Otacon asked. "Uh, Sunny, do we really have-"

Sunny used puppy-dog eyes on Otacon.

"Don't give in, Hal." Snake said. "Don't do it!"

"What kind of puppy?" Otacon asked. Sunny beamed.

"You are no longer a man in my eyes, Otacon." Snake growled. "You get to clean up the dog crap."

"Oh! It's so c-c-c-cute!" Sunny squealed, hugging the Husky tightly.

"Yeah. I used to dogsled with this breed of dogs." Snake said, then looked at Otacon, mouthing the words 'dog crap.'

"What are we gonna name it, Sunny?" Otacon asked.

"How about after m-m-m-my mom?" Sunny asked.

"Olga, huh?" Snake said. "Good a name as any."

"That's a beautiful name, Sunny." Otacon encouraged.

"So, where is it gonna sleep?" Snake asked.

"I-i-i-in my room!" Sunny said. "Right, U-u-u-uncle Hal?"

"Sure." Otacon smiled. "Go put his dog bed in your room, okay?"

Sunny ran off, Olga following her, and Snake laughed. "You sold your soul to the devil."

"It's not going to be that bad, Snake." Otacon said.

"Sure." Snake said.

"Don't be so negative."

"Don't watch so many 'Japanese animes.'" Snake laughed.

"Screw you." Otacon said.


	3. Chapter 3

Snake sat back on the couch and watched Otacon play a game.

"What's this?" Snake asked. "One of your Japanese anime?" Snake snickered.

"Would you shut up about that? It was years ago!" Otacon protested.

"Still funny."

"It's a video game, Snake. A stealth game, so you should be good at it."

Otacon handed Snake the controller, and Snake looked at it as if it were a corpse. Or a copy of 'Snake's Revenge.'

"What?" Otacon asked.

"The hell do I work this thing?" Snake asked.

"The triangle button is the action button, the X controls stance to crouch, stand or lie prone. Tap X while running to have Cobra perform a roll to barrel through enemies or dive over short gaps square, circle reloads, L1 is targeting mode, R1 is the attack button, L2 is the item menu control, and R2 is the weapons menu control."

"In English?"

Otacon sighed. "Press the buttons to see what happens, Snake."

"Like piloting the metal gear?" Snake joked, then pressed the X button. His character immediately stood up, and a exclamation mark appeared over his head. "Is that good?" Snake asked.

"Is it good when an exclamation mark appears over your head?"

"?"

"No, it's not good." Otacon said as the character on the screen was gunned down.

"I could've taken those guys in real life." Snake said.

"Sure." Otacon said sarcastically as the screen said 'COBRA IS DEAD.'

"Cobra? Cobra! COOOOBRAAAA!" The character, Robert Plissken, shouted.

"That's annoying." Snake noted.

"Try again." Otacon said.

Snake turned the game on, and looked at his guy.

"With that bandana, that face, and that beard, this guy is going get a lot of-" Snake began.

"What, G-G-G-Grandpa Snake?" Sunny asked, walking in and generally looking like a cute little girl while being smarter than everyone in the room combined.

"Compliments." Otacon smiled, chuckling.

"Hey, Sunny, can you play this game any better than me?" Snake asked.

"I d-d-don't know, G-G-G-Grandpa Snake." Sunny said.

"Give it a shot."

Sunny did, and beat the level quickly, not killing a single guard, nor getting an alert.

"Big Chief," Snake read. "That's a good score."

"O-O-Okay, Snake." Sunny said.

Snake smiled, patting Sunny on the head with a newfound respect.


	4. Chapter 4

Snake woke up from a nightmare, remembering how Ocelot had electrocuted him so many years ago. Snake stood, put his usual clothes on, and went to the living room, where Otacon was watching...let's call it 'adult entertainment.'

"Ah!" Otacon said, turning the TV off quickly.

"Don't worry about it," Snake said, sitting beside his nerdy, perverted friend. "I used to carry playboys around with me."

"What are you doing up so late, anyways?" Otacon asked.

"It's eleven."

"I know, but you usually go to sleep at seven."

"So does Sunny. Aw hell, I'm like a little girl."

Otacon snickered.

"I'll kill you. I'll go all CQC up in here." Snake threatened.

"Sorry. Did you have a nightmare?" Otacon asked.

"Yeah. About Ocelot," Snake said, rubbing his temples.

"What happened during it?" Otacon asked.

"He electrocuted me. You know that."

"I mean during the dream."

"Same as what happened in real life, Otacon."

"Anything else?"

"What are you getting at, Hal?" Snake asked.

Otacon looked a bit guilty. "We may or may not have a betting pool..."

"Wait, who's 'we'? And a betting pool about what?"

"Meryl, Johnny, Mei Ling, and Roy Campbell." Otacon said. "And the bet's about whether Ocelot got...um, _friendly_ with you after, when you blacked out."

"What?"

"Well, we think that Ocelot might've been gay for Big Boss, and you _did_ look at him..."

Otacon screamed for help in the few seconds before his air supply was cut off by Snake.


	5. Chapter 5

"What the hell is this, Otacon?" Snake asked, rubbing his eyes as he walked into the living room.

"To make up for that betting pool, we're going clubbing." Otacon said, forcing Snake to take a suit. "Put it on."

Snake coughed a laugh. "I'm old. How am I going to get into a night club?"

Otacon handed Snake a folded-up box. "When's the last time you used your old skills?"

Snake smiled. "Too long."

_Behind the club._

The codec beeped, and Snake put a finger up to his ear inside his box.

"Snake, I'm in." Otacon said.

"Good." Snake said. "I'll take out the guard and sneak in."

"Snake, don't kill him."

"I'll just distract him. I swear."

"You've said that before."

_Shadow Moses._

"Don't kill the guard." Otacon said.

Snake took a bloody knife out of the guard's neck, then plunged it back in several times.

"Sorry, didn't catch that." Snake said.

"I said don't kill-"

"STABSTABSTABBYSTAB!"

_The present._

"I said sorry." Snake said.

"No, you didn't." Otacon said.

"Because saying sorry is for bitches." Snake said, deactivating the codec. The guard began walking along the alley and Snake, being the man he was, took the opportunity to watch the guard. "Stupid." Snake chuckled.

"! There's someone here!" The guard said.

"My god. Is this a military base or a damn night club?" Snake asked, shooting the guard with his tranquilizer pistol. Then shot him again. And once more. "Man, he's got a high drug tolerance." Snake said, sneaking in the back door. Snake found a broom closet and changed into his suit, a black suit with a white shirt, and walked out.

"Hey, you!" A guard said, walking up to Snake. "Why are you back here?"

"Err..." Snake thought, then fell on his back. "Heart attack! You damn young man!"

The guard ran off.

"Dumbass." Snake laughed, standing up and walking into the club.

"Hey, what are you doing in here?" A young woman asked.

"I'm just an old soldier, trying to live my last days in peace." Snake said, and kept walking. In truth, the old man got a kick out of saying things like that, not that he'd tell anyone.

"Hey Snake," Otacon said. "Was it hard getting in here?"

"It's not as easy as it used to be." Snake said.

"You seemed better at it, actually. You didn't kill anyone."

"I didn't kill that many people."

_Shadow Moses._

"Snake, try not to kill anyone else." Otacon said.

Snake took out a machine gun, then happened upon a guard.

"This gun," Snake said. "Is going up your ass."

_The Present._

"I get it!" Snake said. "I'm a bloodthirsty old man. I never said I was a hero."

"In fact, you said you weren't a hero. Several times." Otacon said.

Snake nodded slowly, then tripped Otacon using his CQC skills. A hot blonde girl walked over to Snake as Otacon stood up.

"Hey," She smiled. "I like older men."

'Jackpot.' Snake thought.


	6. Chapter 6

Snake settled into the couch, beside Sunny.

"G-G-G-Grandpa Snake," Sunny said. "Do y-you want to play Fallout 3?"

Snake shrugged. "Why not?"

They started the game and, watching the opening, Snake was having fun.

"This looks pretty cool," He said.

Then, the game said the famous line: 'War Never Changes.'

"Hey guys." Otacon said.

"Otacon, did you know this game directly contradicts my beliefs?" Snake asked.

"Huh?" Otacon asked, then slid earmuffs over Sunny's ears.

"This game says war never changes. But this game is set in an apocalyptic wasteleand! I know for a fact war changes!"

"The saying means that the things that start war never change."

"Huh. Coulda fooled me."

"What do you mean by that?"

"A long time ago a war was fought for a girl."

"Yeah, I know about Helena." Otacon sighed.

"I never fought for a girl. Hell, I never even got a girl!" Snake said.

"Go cry about it." Otacon said.

"Hey, at least I didn't have to go to my girlfriend's funerals." Snake said.

"Screw you, Snake!" Otacon shouted, running out of the room, crying.

Snake gingerly took the earmuffs over Sunny's ears.

"Uncle Hal a-a-acts like a g-g-girl sometimes." Sunny said.

"Yep." Snake agreed. "Man, this game is violent. You sure you should be playing it?"

"G-G-Grandpa Snake, I w-w-was in that f-fight with the USS M-Missouri. I s-saw a l-lot of violent s-s-stuff." Sunny said.

"Point taken." Snake said. "Can I play?"

"N-No," Sunny said, not paying much attention to Snake.

Snake sighed, then took a toothpick out and put it between his lips like a cigarette.


	7. Chapter 7

Sunny opened the refrigerator, and looked through the various snacks, leftovers, and drinks, stopping when she saw a can she had never seen before.

"Ocelot b-b-brand b-b-beer." Sunny read, popping it open and taking a sip. "It's p-pretty b-b-b-bitter."

Snake, who had just walked into the room, was alarmed at the sight of Sunny drinking beer. He ran across the room, grabbing the can and tossing it behind him, hitting Ocelot, who had walked into the room to make a sandwich.

"G-G-G-Grandpa Snake, I t-t-think you k-k-k-knocked U-Uncle Hal o-o-out." Sunny said.

"Forget that otaku." Snake said.

"U-Uncle Hal's b-b-bleeding."

"He can take it. Sunny, beer isn't for children. In fact, no children should drink any form of alcohol."

"W-W-Why?" Sunny asked.

"For a kid who spends all day in the 'net, you sure don't know much in the way of real life." Snake sighed, then scratched the back of his head. "See, booze makes you do things you wouldn't normally do."

"L-L-Like what?" Sunny asked.

Snake thought about it. "Dating ugly women or, this is just my guess, doing Otacon."

"W-W-What does d-d-doing Uncle H-H-Hal mean?" Sunny asked.

"I'll tell you when you're older." Snake said.

"W-W-W-Will you b-b-be around w-w-when I'm o-older?" Sunny asked.

"If I have to tell you what doing someone is, I hope not," Snake said, then looked back to Otacon. "Damn, that's a lot of blood."

"Y-Y-Yep." Sunny said.


	8. Chapter 8

"G-G-Grandpa Snake, do you know what abridging is?" Sunny asked. She had been spending more time on the internet (which Snake doubted had been possible), with all of it on Youtube. She had gotten addicted to abridged series, and wanted to tell Snake about it.

"It sounds nerdy. Go ask Uncle Hal." Snake said, flipping through a magazine. It was not one of his Playboys, as Otacon had taken them away, worried Sunny would find them; instead, it was a magazine selling firearms, named "Drebin's Hardware."

"I-I-It's not nerdy!" Sunny disagreed. "I-It's funny."

"I doubt it." Snake said.

"Y-You don't find anything funny."

"I think it's funny when Uncle Hal's hurt."

"T-That's not funny," Sunny said, alarmed.

"Maybe not to you. But you've never seen what he does when you pop your head in a room and say 'Watch out, it's Gray Fox!' It's hilarious." Snake smiled, flipping the page of his magazine.

"Y-You should help me make one!" Sunny exclaimed.

"Not a chance in... Heck." Snake said.

"B-But you'd really fit the strong, mysterious hero role!"

"I'm not a hero."

"T-That's exactly what I'm talking about!" Sunny said. "Y-You sounded so mysterious! I-It's like you had a painful, mysterious past!"

"How much has Otacon told you about my past?" Snake asked.

"Uh..." Sunny thought about it. "Y-You're a clone, you smoke, and that you're a jerk. I-I don't think you're a jerk, though."

Snake sighed. "You're trying to flatter me, aren't you?"

"Y-You're moustache looks nice." Sunny said.

"Alright, I'll do it. What are we bridging?" Snake asked.

"W-We're _abridging_ one of my favorite anime. I-It's called _Vampire Knight_." Sunny said.

"Hm. Sounds cool. What's it about?"

"W-Well, this girl is saved by a vampire, a-and she falls in love with him." Sunny said.

"... Is this _Twilight_?" Snake asked.

Sunny laughed. "Y-You sound old!"

"I _am_ old. Who do I voice?"

"T-The vampire."

"I regret this more than being a soldier." Snake sighed.


End file.
